[LISA LEWIS] The Am I Ok? Podcast is part of the Practice of the Practice network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like Faith Fringes, the Holistic Counseling Podcast, and Beta Male Revolution, go to the website, www.practiceofthepractice.com/network. Welcome to the Am I Ok? Podcast, where you will discover that being highly sensitive is something to embrace and it’s actually a gift you bring to the world. We will learn together how to take ownership of your high sensitivity, so you can make positive changes in your life, in the lives of others, and it’s totally okay to feel this way. I’m your host, Lisa Lewis. I’m so glad you’re here for the journey. Welcome to today’s episode of the Am I Ok? Podcast. I’m your host, Lisa Lewis. Thank you so much for tuning in. I would like to remind my listeners that I offer a free eight-week email course titled Highly Sensitive People. My email course provides weekly tools that help you feel more whole in a world isn’t exactly made for us and I show you how your sensitivity can be seen as a unique gift and how many others are just like you. To find out more about my email course. Please go to my website, amiokpodcast.com. Today, my guest is Alissa Schneider. Alissa is a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in helping people who are struggling with anxiety, OCD patterns, and eating disorders. She offers online therapy throughout the state of Florida and enjoys working with individuals who are goal-oriented. She helps people live in a more meaningful and enjoyable life, even in the midst of emotional discomfort or high anxiety. Welcome to the show, Alissa. [ALISSA SCHNEIDER] Thank you so much. Thanks again for having me, Lisa. [LISA] You’re very welcome. So I like to begin my interviews with my guest, do you consider yourself a highly sensitive person and if you do, would you share a little story about that? [ALISSA] Yes. I definitely do consider myself highly sensitive. I actually am very like overstimulated by sounds sometimes and other sensory stuff as well. That’s been present since I was really little and I actually didn’t really know that there was a name for it. I always felt like different than others. And I think it can be really isolating until you know exactly what it is or you think that something is wrong. I think a lot of people can struggle with that in thinking that there is something wrong with them. I’ve been trying to recognize over time that these are really gifts that I have and that it’s a trait. I was always like kind of sensitive growing up. I actually easily impacted by like hunger, for example, I definitely eat right away when I’m feeling hungry. That’s just one example of like the sensory stuff that I kind of deal with, but yes, it’s been present in me since I was little. I dealt with a lot of like texture issues when I was younger. Not as much now. But definitely that is a challenge for me, like being over stimulated and I’m one that I need some downtime and definitely like quiet time especially if I’m doing a lot of running around or socializing and stuff like that. [LISA] Great. Well, thank you for sharing that and a little bit about yourself and your processes of how you became to recognize the inner trait inside yourself. I am curious just by even the introduction when, that you provided for me about you help people live more meaningful and enjoyable life, even in the midst of emotional discomfort or high anxiety. So my question is how do you help people overcome that or get through that? [ALISSA] It’s a really great question. I’ve gotten more into acceptance and commitment therapy. I think that as therapists, a lot of us are trained from like a CBT model. That’s one of the first things I think that we learn. At least my graduate program was very like CBT focused. It’s all about with CBT, like working on changing your thoughts, changing your emotions and what I found with myself and working with the clients that I’ve worked with is that that’s not really always possible. It’s not always preferable. So I’ve gotten into ACT, which is a model that focuses on how can I live in alignment with my values? How can I have a meaningful and purposeful life, even in the midst of pain or suffering? And I think that HSPs are more sensitive to pain sometimes whether that’s emotional pain or physical pain, sometimes too. It’s, like we’re not really ever going to be able to escape pain in this lifetime. So I think that it’s really important to live in the moment and do the things that you enjoy, do the things that are purposeful and meaningful to you as an individual. So I think for me, it really starts by asking yourself what are your values? What kind of life do you want to live? Then intentionally making decisions in your life that support those values. And I think for an HSP, you really have to be more intentional and I think that we have to make those decisions very intentionally. We have to take time out of our schedules to relax and have quiet time and to get away from the overstimulation. So I think it’s really about making intentional choices towards living the kind of life that you want to live and making decisions each day to support that kind of life. [LISA] Wow, that sounds really powerful. I know you mentioned some of the things that can overstimulate an HSP like sound or texture. What are some other things, I’m wondering just as we go through our day that can lead to that overstimulation? [ALISSA] I think that it’s even internal things. So it can be either external or internal. So external things can be like technology, I think can be really over-stimulating. Even your computer screens, I think phones also do it. They actually flicker very fast. And I found with myself that I get migraines if I stare at screens too long or if the lighting is bad or it’s too bright. A lot of HSPs can be really sensitive to different lighting. So a lot of times more softer lighting is preferred. So I try to do natural lighting for myself. I change the dimness on my computer or device screen. So those are some things that can really be important. But yes, there’s a lot of things that can lead to that overstimulation or that sensory sensitivity throughout the day. So, yes, it goes back, I think, to making intentional decisions. And I think it really requires a lot of being in tune with the present moment and recognizing like, I feel kind of over overstimulated right now, or I feel like a headache coming on. What is going on here? And really stepping back in recognizing if there is a clear cause for it; have you been running errands all day and not taking any breaks for rest? Have you been falling into the workaholic syndrome and working nonstop or have you met a lot of new people recently and had a lot of social interaction? So I think it’s there’s a lot of different things that can cause that overstimulation for sure. [LISA] Yes, and as you’re sharing the different ones, I was just thinking about just for myself, like I really don’t want to drive in my car that much anymore, like run errands. I’ll put it off, like, no, I can wait another day or two days, or maybe I’ll just lump that together with another errand on this day. Because I just realized like, wow, it takes up so much energy. [ALISSA] And I think it’s a delicate balance between doing things that are important for us. Of course driving might be something that you need to do. You need to go run an errand, but I think it’s about balance, like, is this something that I’m avoiding due to anxiety or is it something that’s become a pattern that I’m avoiding? Because I think it’s about a balance between recognizing that you need rest as an HSP and you need time to unplug, but then also sometimes we still need to do those tasks. So it’s like being present in this world and doing those things that are important while also recognizing sometimes you do need to step back. So I think that one of the things with anxiety treatment is that it’s really important to do like exposure work. We know that the more that we avoid things, sometimes the more anxiety that that thing actually causes. So I think for an HSP, it’s a delicate balance between we don’t want to do too much because there is a propensity for actually being overstimulated but then at the same time we don’t want get into the point where we’re avoiding all of these things either. So it’s a very delicate balance. [LISA] Yes it is. How do you think that being highly sensitive is a gift instead of a burden? [ALISSA] Yes. So I’ll kind of come at it like a personal lens and also like this therapeutic lens as well, because for me personally, I’m a Christian and everybody has different spiritual beliefs or they’re maybe at a different place spiritually than I’m at. And that’s okay. For me, I’m a Christian. So I really think that God blessed me with certain gifts and I think that being an HSP could be one of them. I’ve always kind called myself a Canary in the coal mine. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that term, but like basically really applies to HSPs. It’s like very sensitive to the environment and is the first to react if there’s different changes in the environment or overstimulation going on. So I think that it’s a gift to those around you. I think that it can cause you to have deeper relationships. One thing that I talked to some of my clients about that have trouble with actually expressing emotion, is that a lot of people can maybe hold back emotions in their relationships, or if they’re talking about a story, sometimes we intellectualize things. And people really, I think, find it interesting to hear the emotion behind a story. If I just tell you my experience of what I did today, that’s going to be much less interesting and I think that’s going to be a lot opportunity for a deeper bond between me and the other person. So I think that it can really lead to deeper relationships, a true sense of meaning and purpose in life, I think as an HSP. I think that there’s a lot of gifts that an HSP can provide to the world. A lot of times they’re really compassionate and I think that other people can learn how to be compassionate to themselves and to others through their connections with an HSP. [LISA] Wow. That’s really beautiful. I love that. And why don’t coping mechanisms work? [ALISSA] I think that one of the things that we often focus on, even as therapists sometimes is working with clients on coping mechanisms. And this is often something that they hear. Like they come to me even in therapy and they’re like, what coping mechanisms can I do? I want to learn more coping mechanism if you’re feeling anxious, or my feelings of depression. I want to be able to cope with that. I really try to educate them that there’s a difference between using relaxation skills and calming mechanisms and making an intentional decision to do some of those things in your life versus a coping mechanism, which to me is very reactive. And for an HSP I think it’s that much more important that we kind of reframe how we think about coping skills. So to me, if you assume that being an HSP is a gift and a blessing, why do we need to cope with that? I think it’s about bringing in calming mechanisms or relaxation skills, bringing in another experience while you’re still in the midst of that pain and that suffering. So maybe you’re feeling really anxious and you’re overwhelmed and you’re in a social situation maybe. But how can you also anchor yourself in your strengths and what you have to bring to the table as an HSP in these conversations and a social situation? So you’re allowing yourself to experience that anxiety. You’re recognizing that it’s there, but then you’re also like, oh, hey, what else can I bring to this? I have strengths as an HSP and as an individual. How can I display that in these conversations? Or how can I bring peace even into this moment of suffering and even into this moment of emotional difficulty that I’m going through? So I think it’s like recognizing that we can have multiple experiences at the same time and just because you’re having anxiety, just because you are feeling really overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean that you also can’t have some peace and calm in that moment as well. [LISA] That’s wonderful. Thank you. What would you recommend to a highly sensitive person when they hear from maybe friends or loved ones that, oh, you’re too emotional, you’re overreacting and it’s due to their high sensitivity. [ALISSA] That’s a good question. I think that what I’ve recommended before to my clients is I really like that sensitive film. It’s on Amazon prime, I think for free if you have a Prime account. So I recommended clients that have a supportive loved one that maybe just doesn’t understand but is generally supportive of them and they feel open that the person feels open to sharing that with the other person. I recommend even watching that movie with them. Sitting down and discussing that I think can be really powerful. But you also, I think, have to be careful with who you’re expressing that to. You kind of might want to guard that with certain people and you really have to really reflect on, is this something that I want to share, do I think that it’s going to be something that helps this relationship because you really want to watch who you are sharing that with because it is so personal. So yes, I recommend, definitely it goes back to like setting boundaries as well and using assertiveness skills, I think is really important for the HSP as well. [LISA] Yes, those are all excellent tools to learn and develop within yourself as a highly sensitive person. And why doesn’t it work, oftentimes to try to challenge your thoughts and what do you recommend doing instead? [ALISSA] I think it’s very similar to the coping skills thing. The more I think that we challenge our thoughts, the more that we try to get that emotional experience to go away, I think the more that we often are struggling with that. It seems to get actually more intense somehow when we try to change it or challenge it, because I think we’re basically trying to suppress it. Challenging our thoughts is kind of another way of suppressing ourselves and suppressing our thoughts and emotions. So I think what is really powerful for a lot of people is to recognize these thoughts and these emotions are not permanent. They change. And even if I’m feeling discomfort, I can also bring in maybe some comfort to this moment as well. This doesn’t have to be my only experience and I think it’s important to take those blinders off and see what else is there in the present moment. One thing that I think can be really powerful is noting or labeling your emotions. So recognizing that they’re there, calling them out. I think that that is really beneficial for a lot of people because it’s really the opposite of suppression. I think there’s more automatic thinking that comes up, that leads to an emotional response a lot of the time, but then there’s also more active thinking that we engage in. Like, if I wanted to think of something right now, I could. I can manifest that thought purposefully, but I think we have some control over those more active thoughts that we engage in, but I think we have very little control over some of those automatic thoughts that come up. So I think it’s about recognizing these thoughts are just like human thoughts. And for me as a Christian, I think about them being thoughts from an imperfect human that is fallen and really imperfect and just trying to live in this world. So how can and I trust those thoughts or how can I accept them as factual a hundred percent of the time? So it’s recognizing these thoughts are not necessarily always true. So I think it is important to fill your life with truth and good things. I think that it’s so much more important for an HSP to do that, intentionally fill your life with great relationships, with meaningful volunteer work or meaningful career. I think that since we are so much more sensitive we really need to be intentional about filling our life with as many good things as possible. So it’s very hard to change the thoughts that are already present, but to me, what can we add is really my focus. [LISA] I love that mind shift, what can we add? And when we add things, sort of those positive things that it just helps shift, just the way that you feel about yourself inside. [ALISSA] Yes. [LISA] And you mentioned things about comfort, how to comfort yourself. I know you just mentioned about adding positive relationships and bringing more truth into your life. What are some other things that an HSP can do for comfort? [ALISSA] I actually love your article on Practice of the Practice. I forget the title off-head, but it was about like having a wellness space and you made a lot of recommendations on there. I really liked that article. I think that that’s one way where you can feel a lot of comfort, is to have a space in your home where you purposefully make it really comfortable, really cozy. So I think that that can be really powerful, having a soft, blink and having a little place to sit like a bench or something that’s cozy for you, keeping a journal or candles or just making an experience. It doesn’t have to be a large space, but just a small space that you really find comfort in. I also really like the idea of using self-supportive touch as well. One thing that I personally do is put my hand off, kind of over my heart, over my chest area. That’s really calming and grounding to me. Other people really like holding their hands together. That feels support to them. So there’s a lot of different things that you can do. You can do like a self hug where you kind of hold yourself as well. So I like that self-supportive touch. I think that can also be really comforting and grounding. [LISA] I love that. I do some of those things too and I teach it to my client as well. So we’re on the same page. [ALISSA] Yes, it’s really powerful. [LISA] It is. And I find too that, I think sometimes we’re looking for like a magic thing that we have something like the end result or the thing that we have to do has to be so hard or difficult. It’s like, no, these little things that we can just tweak in our everyday life can really make a huge difference. [ALISSA] Yes. And here’s the thing, especially for an HSP this world is always going to have suffering, unfortunately. It’s always going to have pain and we’re always going to be exposed to different things. So yes, it’s about adding things versus subtracting them, is what I always say. We’re not going to be able to subtract the pain, but what else can we add to our experience that is comforting? [LISA] What are some of the signs that you’re not in alignment with your strengths, your values and your identity? [ALISSA] I really think that it goes back to like chronic conditions. So if you notice that there’s like chronic feelings of emptiness or chronic loneliness or chronic boredom, I think boredom is especially one to take note of as an HSP because sometimes I think that we scale back so much that sometimes then that leads to boredom feelings. So I think it’s about finding a balance for an HSP and for anyone between stimulation and relaxation too. So yes, I think it’s, when there’s like those chronic feelings, especially of like emptiness and boredom, then I think that those are major are signs that maybe you’re not living in alignment with your strengths and your values as an individual. And I think it’s important to really ask yourself, what are your strengths, what are your values so that you can live more in tune with them? I think another thing that I would add as well is also a lot of guilt. If you’re experiencing guilt all the time or if you feel like say you make a decision or you kind of lash out at someone as an example, and then you feel like a lot of guilt inside, I think that that’s a sign, maybe that action wasn’t in line with who I am as a person who I consider my to be. And everybody’s going to do things that are out of alignment sometimes, but I think it’s just, how much are we doing that is actually in alignment with our strengths, values and our identity? [LISA] And how would you feel when you’re in alignment with your strength, values and your identity? [ALISSA] The word that really comes to mind for me, as you say that is flourishing. Maybe you would have more of a sense of flourishing in your life. You would see some of those fruits in your life, some of those really great solid relationships and you might enjoy a lot of aspects of your life, even in the midst of pain sometimes. Yes, I think that there’s, yes, some of those signs, if you are living in alignment, for sure. [LISA] Yes. I hear you on that and I love that word too, flourishing, and just as I say it, I feel it, I feel a difference in my body. I just feel much lighter and it feels more hopeful and more happiness. [ALISSA] Yes, yes, definitely. [LISA] So this is my last question, Alissa, what is the most important thing you want listeners to know and take away from our discussion today? [ALISSA] I think if you’re a Christian, I think it’s important to recognize that this is a gift from God. I truly believe that and as a gift, I believe in intrinsic value. I think that each person has value from the minute that they’re alive. I think that you have a purpose in life and even though don’t feel it all the time, even though we struggle and we experience pain, I think that in the midst of that, you still have a purpose and you can still have value and meaning. I just want really people to know that this is a gift and there’s a lot of positive things that you bring to your life and to the lives of others through being an HSP. [LISA] Oh, that’s wonderful. That’s so beautiful. And where can listeners get in touch with you? [ALISSA] The best way to get in touch with me is on my website, which is naplesflcounseling.com. [LISA] Great. Thank you so much for coming on the show today, Alissa. [ALISSA] I really appreciate it, Lisa, thank you so much for having me. [LISA] Thank you, my listeners for tuning in today. Remember to subscribe, rate, and review wherever you get your podcasts. To find out more about highly sensitive persons, please visit my website at www.amiokpodcast.com and subscribe to my free eight-week email course to help you navigate your own sensitivities and show you that it’s okay not to take on everyone else’s problems. This is Lisa Lewis reminding each and every one of you that you are okay. Until next time, take care. [LISA] Thank you for listening today at Am I Ok? Podcast. If you are loving the show, please rate, review and subscribe to it on your favorite podcast platform. Also, if you’d like to learn how to manage situations as a highly sensitive person, discover your unique gift as a highly sensitive person, and learn how to be comfortable in your own skin, I offer a free eight-week email course called Highly Sensitive People. Just go to amiokpodcast.com to sign up. In addition, I love hearing from my listeners, drop me an email to let me know what is on your mind. You can reach me at lisa@amiokpodcast.com. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is given with the understanding that neither the host, the publisher, or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical, or any other professional information. If you want to professional, you should find one.