What are the different struggles that come up in a relationship between a highly sensitive person and a non-highly sensitive person? How does resolving resentment work in unison with teaching accountability? What is necessary to strengthen the HSP relationship?
In this podcast episode, Lisa Lewis speaks about How to Strengthen the Relationship Between a Highly Sensitive Person and a Non-Highly Sensitive Person with Erika Boissiere.
MEET DR. ERIKA BOISSIERE
Dr. Erika Boissiere is a couples therapist and owns a private practice, The Relationship Therapy Group. She brings a unique skill set into her practice, as she formally worked in financial services, most notably at Black Rock, as a Strategist. She also teaches at the University of San Francisco, along with writing for Forbes as a contributing author.
Erika is married to another couples therapist, has two young children, along with a 17-year-old dog, whom the family adores.
Visit The Relationship Therapy Group website and connect with them on Facebook.
Connect with Dr. Erika Boissiere on LinkedIn and read her Forbes articles.
IN THIS PODCAST:
- Common issues in HSP and non-HSP relationships
- Strengthening the Highly Sensitive Person in the relationship
- Resolving resentment
- Self-care practices for couples
Common issues in HSP and non-HSP relationships
I think there’s a component to HSP and non-HSP where both have such different subjective realities. The HSP … seeing the world as they see it and the non-HSP doesn’t totally get it and there could even be judgment around sensitivity, and that’s usually where you see that rupture.
Dr. Erika Boissiere
It can be hurtful when your partner or loved one does not take the time to empathize, or cannot seem to empathize, as it can feel as if they are invalidating your experience. This specific dynamic is common in HSP-non-HSP relationships.
A sensitive partner may not assert themselves enough in the relationship as they do not want to cause conflict.
It’s a huge change agent if we can allow our partner to see if we are sensitive about something. Of course, how we communicate that sensitivity is also a big piece of the work. Once we allow someone to see a sensitivity or some infraction they experience, usually a lot of power is [evident] in that space.
Dr. Erika Boissiere
Conflict can produce an incredible inventory of how a person thinks, what they need, and how they experience the world.
If a highly sensitive person is too inward, and they do not allow their non-HSP partner to witness these parts of them, then their partner may struggle to understand them, which escalates the issue of miscommunication and disconnect.
Strengthening the Highly Sensitive Person in the relationship
The highly sensitive person in the relationship needs to become aware of themselves when they withdraw and go inward, because for many HSPs in a relationship, not speaking is a primary response mechanism to conflict.
Labeling and understanding this mechanism is important because once someone is aware of it, they are open to fresh options as to how to react. Here are some possible ways of moving beyond not speaking:
- Build awareness of the mechanism
- Open yourself to new options in your responses
- Put language to these responses
Resolving resentment
Highly sensitive people often become resentful over time in their relationships if they are not given adequate space, patience, and a platform to be heard.
Resentments are complicated. In this case, around sensitivity … resentments create distance … interestingly enough because of its power in your mind it can also be a one-up position: “I’m somehow taking on this burden that you aren’t, therefore I am mad at you.”
Dr. Erika Boissiere
One of the best ways to curb resentment is to get the partner who is struggling to speak their needs. Although, it is also important that their partner is open to receiving information and to being accountable.
Any partner can begin to feel resentful when their partner does not take accountability. Therefore, resolving resentment works in tandem with teaching the couple to be accountable for their actions, or lack of actions.
Self-care practices for couples
- Healthy separateness is necessary and beneficial to both people in the relationship, especially during times of COVID-19.
- Isolated focused time with one another such as a date night or an adventure that is not spent around watching TV.
- Practicing healthy conflict: it is important to learn how to argue in a healthy, constructive way instead of falling into toxicity and repetitive patterns.
- Practicing solo self-care: take responsibility for yourself in the relationship, and do not depend on your partner to regulate your emotions constantly.
RESOURCES MENTIONED AND USEFUL LINKS
BOOK | Claudia M. Gold – The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships Are the Secrets to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust
Visit The Relationship Therapy Group website and connect with them on Facebook
Connect with Dr. Erika Boissiere on LinkedIn and read her Forbes articles
Sign up for Lisa’s free email course
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Email me: lisa@amiokpodcast.com
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ABOUT THE AM I OK? PODCAST
So you’ve been told that you’re “too sensitive” and perhaps you replay situations in your head. Wondering if you said something wrong? You’re like a sponge, taking in every word, reading all situations. Internalizing different energies, but you’re not sure what to do with all of this information. You’re also not the only one asking yourself, “am I ok?” Lisa Lewis is here to tell you, “It’s totally ok to feel this way.”
Join Lisa, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, as she hosts her, Am I Ok? Podcast. With over 20 years of education, training, and life experience, she specializes in helping individuals with issues related to being an empath and a highly sensitive person.
Society, and possibly your own experiences, may have turned your thinking of yourself as being a highly sensitive person into something negative. Yet, in reality, it is something that you can – and should – take ownership of. It’s the sixth sense to fully embrace, which you can harness to make positive changes in your life and in the lives of others.
This may all sound somewhat abstract, but on the Am I Ok? Podcast, Lisa shares practical tips and advice you can easily apply to your own life. Lisa has worked with adults from various backgrounds and different kinds of empaths, and she’s excited to help you better connect with yourself. Are you ready to start your journey?