[LISA LEWIS] The Am I Ok? Podcast is part of the Practice of the Practice network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like Faith Fringes, the Holistic Counseling Podcast, and Beta Male Revolution, go to the website, www.practiceofthepractice.com/network. Welcome to the Am I Ok? Podcast, where you will discover that being highly sensitive is something to embrace and it’s actually a gift you bring to the world. We will learn together how to take ownership of your high sensitivity, so you can make positive changes in your life, in the lives of others, and it’s totally okay to feel this way. I’m your host, Lisa Lewis. I’m so glad you’re here for the journey. . Welcome to the show, everyone. I’m Lisa Lewis, your host. So glad to have you here. Fall is here in the United States, well, exactly where I live is Los Angeles. Whether you live in warm or cold weather, or no matter where you live in the world, now is the time to do self-inventory on your self-care routine and your relationships, including yourself. [LISA] Today my guest is Rachel Awes. Rachel works as a psychologist, art playground, and author who loves listening to the beauty in people and animals and all living colors and she truly embodies color as she’s also a clothing ambassador influencer. Her four published gift self-help books are infused with loads of her colorful drawings, all designed to affirm the human heart. Her newest illustrated personal growth gift book is called The Relationship Book: A Soulful, Transformational, and Artistic Inventory of Your Connective Life. Oh, wow, can’t wait to hear some of that. Her most tender and mighty hope is to hold up a mirror for many, reflecting a hearty truth of your boundless worth. Welcome to the show, Rachel. [RACHEL AWES] Oh, I’m so glad to be here. Thank you, Lisa. [LISA] I’m so glad to have you here too. As we were talking before the recording started, you said you’re going to read us a part of your book later on in the interview, so I can’t wait to hear some of that. As we were talking also before we started the recording, just how you are a colorful playground as an author and just an influencer, ambassador for clothing line. It’s so colorful. I was looking at your picture and I was like, oh, I wish everyone can see you and hear or look at the colors that you are wearing, but we’ll hear the colors in her words, and then people can be directed to go look and have a look for themselves. Thank you so much for being here. [RACHEL] Thank you for having me. [LISA] As I like to ask all my guests that come on the show, do you consider yourself a highly sensitive person or not? If so, can you share a little story about that? [RACHEL] Oh, sure. I would say yes, that since, like for all my life, I’m now in my 50s, but throughout my whole life, I would say in a beautiful, wonderful way that I am a highly sensitive person and that, for me, I’m sensitive to sounds, like if things, sometimes I like things to be loud, but I can only have so much of that. Like, if I’m in a super celebratory mood, I can turn up the tunes and dance and so on but pretty quickly I get tired from that as well. Generally speaking I just feel like I’m a gentle bunny, that I do well with gentleness, with gentle words, with gentle sounds, with gentle foods and that it’s all part of my gorgeousness, that my being highly sensitive is also why, and part of why I have insights, part of my insights, part of my beauty. It’s like that is where wisdom also comes from, from really picking up on things and really sensing things deeply. So I think that primarily it’s all about beauty for me. Then the second piece to that is it’s all about self-care, knowing that there’s some specific self-care around being a highly sensitive person. [LISA] Thank you for sharing your story with us. I agree about this, the self-care part too. We’ll get into that. I’m wondering like, how did you get where you are today, just about being so colorful and living that way? [RACHEL] Well, I began this way as a child. Whoever knows the mysteries of our makeup as young children. Like, how did Lisa come to be this way as a child and me come to be this way as a child early? What I can say is that from a very early age, I wanted to dress colorfully. I wanted colors to come through my hands, my fingertips, my pens, my crayons, my markers and not so early, but relatively earlier. I remember in sixth grade, my walls, my bedroom walls were covered with pieces of paper where I had drawings that had rainbow colors all over them. It was like wallpaper on my walls because it really covered every inch. I loved to draw, I love to write. All these things were with me, it seemed like in a primal instinctual way from early on. So I think that in my adult life, and again, I’m, well, I’m 56 now, but I think in my early forties that is when my creative life really came back in colors, in full, in a full wave, tidal wave. So I had been building my career as a psychologist leading up to that. But I think there’s this piece about I have to go back and rescue my child within and let her lead the way now and really like all of her rainbowy yummy self, my inner Pippi Longstocking. So I just began my art life, my writing life, all of that in my early forties in a really big way. Even in my professional life as a psychologist, I started dressing more and more colorfully but it began in little steps. I remember being in a, when you purchased, I don’t know if you know this, Lisa, if you wear glasses, do you wear glasses? [LISA] I do, yes. [RACHEL] When you purchase new eyeglass frames, I remember looking in that little mirror that they give you. Sometimes some stores just give you a little mirror to be able to look at your face trying on glasses. In this case, it was a little mirror and I kept trying on this purple and green swirly pair and then I would just giggle in the mirror, and then I’d try in other more seemingly reasonable pairs. Then I’d be like, oh, that looks good structurally on my face. Then I’d put on the other pair again and giggle again. I realized I cannot argue and don’t want to with my giggling. I’m getting the purple green pair. It was just little decision by little decision like that. Over time, that began a snowball of joy. Now I hardly even think about it very much. It’s just what brings me joy and I gravitate, [LISA] Oh, wow, that sounds so beautiful. I just love that like the gradual process I hear of you, like unfolding, this other part of you that hadn’t, that was quiet or dormant or was there at one time, and then like she came back to life [RACHEL] That’s right, that’s right. Yes, that’s how it happened. [LISA] Was it, was there, I mean, you don’t have to share if it’s personal, was there something going on in your life or you just felt — [RACHEL] Oh, I’m happy to say, yes, Lisa, absolutely. Because why early forties, what was happening, so I would say that what was happening was a couple things, one is, and this was a fine thing. I know what I’m about to say can have different experiences for people, for me, this was a fine thing. In my early forties, I had, I was done having children, I have two sons, and I got a hysterectomy. At that time someone asked me, in place of your uterus, what do you want? I said, in that space, I want my creativity and I really owned it. It was almost like this ritual, like, wait, there’s something more to be birthed here in my life. Somehow I knew that. Then also my kids, my younger one at that time was maybe eight or nine years old, maybe eight. I also really had my foundation, my grounding and my psychology practice so I think there was some things that were a bit in a good way settled and foundational in my life, allowing me the energy and the imagination space both within my body, literally without the uterus, but also really on every level where I just was ready to integrate more parts of me. I also think that into our forties and fifties, we reach this new identity stage in our development as human beings of re-asking the question, who am I, which I think is very common as teenagers, as a developmental stage. So it was also on time with my development, the way all that was coming together of who am I? The truth is Pippi Longstocking is a big part of who I am as well. [LISA] I remember watching Pippi Longstocking growing up. I loved that show. [RACHEL] Yes, right on. [LISA] As you talk about your uterus in that area of your body is, if you’re familiar with chakras, that’s the sacral chakra, the second chakra, which has to do with all your sexual organs and your creativity, how you feel about yourself. That ritual, oh my gosh, that is amazing how it just seems so like synchronicity. [RACHEL] Yes, yes. It’s a gorgeous thing to listen to your own life and to honor what’s happening and sometimes what can feel like something really difficult is going on, because of course it does for all of us, that even in those moments, those are doorways into more wisdom, into new life. I don’t say that to dismiss suffering and the hard parts of that, because those are all parts to feel and honor. I just think there’s also light in seemingly impossible dark places. [LISA] I love that. I agree with that as well. With that, can you speak to us about self-care practices, especially for a highly sensitive person, when maybe someone is going through something dark or they’re suffering and there’s how do you help yourself through that time? [RACHEL] I would bring up a few things, one is to go ahead and feel those feelings without judgment and with compassion. Sometimes it can be helpful to think about parts of yourself, like the anxious part, the sad part, the angry part, the content and wise part. Because the truth is we have different parts. Sometimes by saying, I’m sad, it can feel like that’s all I am and it covers everything but the truth is, there’s also a very wise part inside and who can observe all that without judgment, can hold all that with compassion. So that would be a piece about holding what’s there. Having a gratitude practice can be a wonderful thing for one’s mood. Research shows that even when hard things are going on, gratitude is a nice thing where it’s not like I have to feel happy, happy, but I can think of the things in the day that I’m grateful for. Maybe it’s seemingly small things like, I loved that avocado toast I had, or a kind word that was spoken or look at how nice I was to myself when I went on that walk down that beautiful street with the leaves changing. And at the end of the day, even to just jot down a few things in a bullet point way, that for people who have a regular gratitude practice, they tend to report a higher sense of wellbeing and happiness. Sometimes when regular self-care, like the foundations of sleeping well and eating well, the exercising, which of course is amazing medicine for mood, if some of those things aren’t quite enough, one thing that can be rather wonderful is to create what I call, and I call this in my new book, wild and beautiful experiences. In the book, I give some examples of wild and beautiful experiences. So some of those might be walking in the rain, picnicking behind a waterfall, knitting sweaters for trees, watching the sunrise from a hot air balloon, showing up at a friend’s door and singing, writing to an elephant, reading poetry at midnight, saying a purring prayer with a tiger at the zoo. You get the idea, like doing some things are a bit outside of the box that you, and everyone, of course is perfectly unique, so asking yourself, what would be wild and beautiful experiences I could create for myself? Maybe even brainstorm them on a piece of paper and maybe some of the things you write down will hold more allure to you than others, but just brainstorm. Doing things like delivering yourself flowers regularly, sometimes even remembering how you cared for yourself as a child, what felt good to me as a child? Is there anything about that that I can bring back into my life? I think even though it may sound surfacey, I think even in how we dress is part of our self-care and affects our mood. And I mean this very unconventionally, so is what you’re wearing comfortable? Is it soft enough? Does it honor your curves and your sensitivities? It’s like, for me, again, being highly sensitive, I don’t like anything tied against my stomach. I like things nice and loose and loving on my dear tummy. For me, the colors that I wear is also part of my joy but I will say that at night I tend to like to wear just super soft, more muted colors at night. It’s part of my resting. I think that would be some of just a few things I could, here’s the thing, Lisa, we could talk about self-care as a full-day workshop. I could do that. But that is just a few things, some of which I speak about in my newest book. But it’s a passion of mine and I think it’s something that we all need to spread like wild flowers for each of us to hear from each other about. [LISA] I love that. I have a big smile on my face as you were naming all of them off, like those are great, great, great ideas and I love that thinking out of the box. You’re right on point about highly sensitive people with the sensory, the high sensitivity to sensory things, including touch and smell and taste. Yes, you can ask any highly sensitive person about clothing and they will tell you what they like and what they don’t like. They know what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. [RACHEL] That’s right. Isn’t that a strength? I mean, I just really want to be so clear that I think being highly sensitive is such a glorious, beautiful thing. There is this peace about, okay, I know what I like and I know what I don’t like, and isn’t that wonderful I know what it means to honor the way I knit together? I think that’s such a strength. [LISA] It sure is. It is a strength. I think this would be a good time to have you read from your book. [RACHEL] Oh, I would just love to. So I happen to have, so the way, so the relationship book, the way that it’s laid out is there’s nine chapters and it covers just a quick context. It covers different kinds of relationships. So the first chapter is relationship with myself, because that’s rather where it starts. Then it covers other relationships with food, clothing, animals, humans, community, divinity. Three of the chapters are about with humans, since that’s a big one. So this is from one of the chapters about our relationships with humans. The way my page spreads are laid out, I have, I include an anonymous client quote from my psychology practice, which all my clients have given permission for these to be in here. These are quotes that took my breath away in some really resonant way. Then I include my colorful illustration in my own reflection. Here it is, client quote, “I am highly sensitive and intuitive and pick up on people’s states and needs, but it doesn’t mean I’m responsible to take care of those needs.” My reflection, “I don’t have much skin and sensations all around me get all the way in. I hear your tone, like the drop of a pin, then the turn of your cheek, then the twitch of your chin. I see the mountain as it trembles in you, but I cannot climb it. I mustn’t It’s true. This is your journey to tend and your journey alone from the stories of your skin to the marrow of your bone. I send you my love and return my gaze to my center to hear my own voice and with reverence, reenter.” That reading just says so much about how important our boundaries are when we’re highly sensitive and intuitive and really knowing where our skin stop starts and someone else’s begins [LISA] That was beautiful. That was beautiful, Rachel. [RACHEL] Thank you, thank you. Well, I say it was so much reverence to you, to me, to anyone listening who knows what that’s like. I would even say that someone who’s not highly sensitive the truth is we’re walking, we’re all walking around with these hearts that we defend where it hurts, where we ache, where we long, where we feel things. our human hearts are quite sensitive really [LISA] They sure are [RACHEL] Definitely [LISA] I could relate to just how you reflected back what your client had said. I mean, that’s so true for me, just noticing what I noticed in other people or even like my partner or a friend and reminding myself that I’m here for you and I can’t fix you or I can be along on your journey, but you have to do the work too. [RACHEL] That’s exactly right. Because as highly sensitive people, we do pick up on other people’s emotions and thoughts and needs and all those things. [LISA] They sure do. [RACHEL] There’s something beautiful about being intuitive, about being deep listeners, about offering presence to our partner, to our friends, to coworkers, et cetera. But it’s not to be misinterpreted as now it’s my job to take something on. Something, again, being highly sensitive that I’ve thought about is that it’s almost like if I try, as I pick up on o other people’s stuff, if I take it in too deep, it’s like a poison. It’s like being injected with the wrong blood type. When you, if you ever have given blood, they’re very cautious about giving the matching blood type or only receiving blood because you just, you don’t want to have some awful life-threatening or just super sick reaction. I think that can happen when we take on, not literally the blood, but when we take on someone else’s stuff and take it in too deeply. I think it’s poisonous. [LISA] Yes. [RACHEL] And as highly sensitive people, it’s just important to have those loving boundaries, loving to ourselves and loving to others. To be able to be in that noticing place, I can observe, I can notice this is going on with someone. I can be present, I can express empathy, but that’s all good, but I don’t need to go any further than that and literally take on the energy or take on fixing it or thinking I could, because we can’t for someone else. [LISA] I still agree with that. [RACHEL] I think that’s where part of the nurturing of relationships is in our communication, one of my favorite skills is reflective listening. So if someone’s saying, man, I had a really hard day, blah, blah, blah, blah, I want to just reflect it back and say, oh, sounds like it was a pretty difficult day for you. I really hear that, but I’m making it about them and I’m hearing them, but I’m not trying to fix it. I’m saying, I heard it was hard for you I heard that was a really difficult day for you. I’m not saying it’s for me. So I think that skill of learning, reflective listening can be a really useful one. [LISA] And I even hear it as you reflect back this, the change in near tone of voice when you say it back to the person [RACHEL] Even the tone gives it back [LISA] Yes, like you — [RACHEL] There’s a little distance. You’re right. I truly do care but it’s not mine. So I don’t need to get all unregulated and emotional about it myself. [LISA] Yes. What are some other ways that a person can nurture their relationships? [RACHEL] Another full-day workshop, but I will, I’ll be happy to just say a few. How about, I think that there is conflict in a relationship, I think that every single opportunity, maybe even mostly when there’s any conflict, is always a chance to love ourselves. Like, ooh, this is hard for me, for Rachel to be hearing this or that and it’s like, ooh, great, this is something I can re return back to as I’m able and further love myself, further take good care of myself, further look at what came up for me in that. What are the parts I can own? What are the things I need to not take on? What are the wisdom nuggets from being in that? What would feel good to me as a way to regulate my system, sitting on a racking chair, taking a shower or a bath, taking a walk, listening to calming music, being in silence. So I think that all things in relationships, in junctures that we encounter are always invitations to love ourselves more deeply. I want to say that another way to nurture relationships is also about learning to decide with boundaries what it is I want, is going on for me and what I want to share and what I don’t want to share. For example, a wonderful thing as a way to listen to your intuition and what’s going on for you in relationship is to step into a room where no one can hear you and pretend you’re talking to someone you want to be in communication with, or maybe you don’t want to be in direct communication, depends on who it is, what’s going on and say everything you would say, want to say out loud to that person, but they can’t hear you, no one can hear you. If you, it’s this exercise, if I could say anything I wanted to, what would I say to that person? Then just notice all the things you say. That first of all is a way to listen to your own intuition, like, oh, that’s what’s going on with me then when it comes to that person because those are the things I would say if I could say anything. Then secondly, maybe decide, do you want to say any of that to them? Can you? If not fine, but then you’ve heard yourself and, but if there are some things you want to say, pick and choose so you can have boundaries. But at least then everything you’ll say is like coming from a grounded knowing place. That’s a wonderful exercise. I think also that, one of the quotes I have in the book is something about one of my goals is to become the person I want to be with. It’s like being your own best friend. So to keep developing you because you’re going to keep bringing your gorgeousness to the table and your relationships, which in the relationships that are good for you, that will only build them if you are being the person you want to be with. A playful thing that I love as a way to nurture relationships, is coming up with nicknames. I don’t force it but when they come to, when the names come to me, I really enjoy these. I’m going to give you an example. So I have, in my creative life, this is new for me, but I do have now a new assistant and I love her. I have a nickname for her. It’s actually now all I call, this is all I call her. I’ve asked her, is this okay if I call you this and she has said yes. But in my initial interview with her, one of my questions for her was, what books do you like to read? She said a whole cross section of different kinds of books but one of the things she named was all, she’s read all the Nancy Drew mystery books. I don’t know if you know of Nancy Drew because that was a Nancy, because that was a name that came out some time ago, but the Nancy Drew Mysteries, but she loves Nancy Drew and because she’s my assistant and one of the primary things that I’ve needed help with is help me find bookstores for my books, like she’s being a sleuth like a detective. So I said, I would love to call you Nancy Drew, like, you’re my sleuth, you’re my detective. She loved it and I said, is that okay if I really, so that’s all I call her. I don’t just call her Nancy, I call her Nancy Drew. Then she started a new email for herself, so it would be organized with just my emails and her email is Nancy Drew. But it creates a wonderful bonding. I love that when my friends or people come up with names for me as well, it’s just feels like, oh my gosh you know me. So it’s just a wonderful bonding thing. Again, I could talk about nurturing relationships all day, but I guess the last thing I’d want really want to bring home, and it’s part of the name of my very first book, my first book is called, All I Did Was Listen, I think that listening is a supreme gift to give to our relationships. That would be a few highlighted points. [LISA] Those ones are all awesome. Those are great. Wow, they’re so good. I love that. Oh my gosh. [RACHEL] Well, I just simply have thought a lot, especially during the pandemic, and it’s not like the pandemic’s done, but at the height of it was so clear how dear and essential our relationships are with one another and what an amazing job we’ve done with technology and creativity of finding our way back to one another. We’re just not built to be isolated. [LISA] Yes, we’re sure not built to be isolated and I hope if anyone is struggling with isolation to reach out and get some help. Usually that’s the first step and maybe the hardest step is just that first phone call or email or direct messaging. [RACHEL] Yes. [LISA] I agree. So Rachel, what would you like listeners to take away from our conversation today? [RACHEL] You’re not alone with your sensitive heart and sensitive skin and that all of your sensitivity is also your beauty. It’s something to be protected like the golden egg and just inviting you to care for and to continue to invite the wild and beautiful experiences that your deep self recognizes and still wants to live out. [LISA] Oh, that was beautiful. Well, my heart is so open. It feels very colorful right now. It’s beaming. [RACHEL] Oh, wonderful. [LISA] Do you have a free gift for my listeners? [RACHEL] Yes. I would love to offer a free gift. I’m so glad, if any of you are still listening, there’s a free gift [LISA] Oh, of course, they’re still listening [RACHEL] Yes, yes. Then I would say that for anyone who goes to my online shop, which you can easily find by going to rachelawes.com and my last name is spelled like the first part of “Awesome.” As a way to remember it, it’s rachelawes.com, and then just click on the shop on the banner. Once you get there, my new book is called The Relationship Book. Anyone who buys that book, I will also I will also include one of my previous books called Diving In in your order. Just be sure to mention in your order, when you do the order, there’ll be a little note section to include that in the note, say, Rachel, remember my free book or something like that. I listened to your podcast or whatever sort of language about that and I’ll toss in a free, an additional book. [LISA] Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate that. All that information will be in the show notes too. [RACHEL] Great, great [LISA] Was there any other place that listeners can get in touch with you that you haven’t mentioned? [RACHEL] Yes, so that’s, rachelawes.com is my website, which has all kinds of things, has my shop, but it also has a blog and access to, if you want to figure out how to find me for counseling, things like that, you can also easily find me on Instagram and Facebook just by putting in my name. [LISA] Okay, thank you [RACHEL] Oh, I also have a YouTube. It’s free. I have a YouTube channel, so if anyone wants to see any of the encouraging videos I would just Google Rachel Awes YouTube. That ought to get you there. [LISA] Okay. Wow, you’re on all the social media. That’s wonderful. Good. [RACHEL] Okay. [LISA] Thank you so much for coming on the show today, Rachel. It’s been a pleasure to have you here and to really talk to us about self-care and nurturing relationships as a highly sensitive person. [RACHEL] Thank you for having me. [LISA] Thank you for listening. Please let me know what you thought of the episode. Send me an email to lisa@amiokpodcast.com. Remember to subscribe, rate and review wherever you get your podcasts. To find out more about Highly Sensitive Persons, please visit my website at amiokpodcast.com. While you’re there, subscribe to my free eight-week email course to help you navigate your own sensitivities and to show you that it’s okay not to take on everyone else’s problems. This is Lisa Lewis reminding each and every one of you that you are okay. Until next time, be well. Thank you for listening today at Am I Ok? Podcast. If you are loving the show, please rate, review and subscribe to it on your favorite podcast platform. Also, if you’d like to learn how to manage situations as a highly sensitive person, discover your unique gift as a highly sensitive person, and learn how to be comfortable in your own skin, I offer a free eight-week email course called Highly Sensitive People. Just go to amiokpodcast.com to sign up. In addition, I love hearing from my listeners, drop me an email to let me know what is on your mind. You can reach me at lisa@amiokpodcast.com. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is given with the understanding that neither the host, the publisher, or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical, or any other professional information. If you want to professional, you should find one.